I dont care anymore

so since no one writes on here anymore, i don't find the need to set this to private. i actually want some people to read this and  not people who know me too well cause its kind of an embarrassing topic. today I'm just gonna open up to myself. this blog is directed toward myself because i don't really think i truly know or understand myself and i feel that others don't truly get me either. I'm a complicated person and i cant change that about myself. I've always been around an atmosphere where smugness and wit both dominate and if you don't master either or both, then you truly wont fit into to any type of social group. i feel that this is how i am. I've tried to be someone i wasn't in middle school, high school, and so far ive noticed, in college. I'm not a mean person nor am i an asshole who just fucks with people like that. i don't want to pick fights with anyone, especially in this point in time when im in college and ill be the one getting in more trouble then the other guy just cause im black. i dont want any part of that. i just want to live life not confronted by any of this, but sadly im confronted with it everyday. its like a pattern every time i start over whether it be with school or friends. i just be myself and then people, little by little, start to not take me serious, and finally just start to walk all over me. which i can understand the reason. im a big black guy who instead of acting tough is a jackass to everyone, is instead kind, fun and always happy. people just start to pick you apart and then strike you at your weak points, mine being coming up with a rebuttle insult to a smart remark the comes from someone else. again my mind doesn't work like that. i cant think up insults for people cause im just not a person to be that much of a jackass to fuck with someone but again, noone cares. as long as they get their hits in and they know you wont do anything about, then your at the bottom of bucket now and the only way to get back out is to be someone you arent, someone that truly is a jackass and has to stoop down to their level to climb your way back up to being within that social class. the only problem is, i dont want to be fake and i dont want to be someone that i dont want to be. i dont really know anymore, i really truly think the reason that i dont have the heart to behave like that is because of the problems i have with with my own self-esteem. being walked all over my entire life, being ridiculed and not having the heart to strike back, that all just  lowered my self esteem all the way. and i realize that when people see this being done to someone, they dont help the situation at all, they just see this as a sign for themselves to start the ridicule also. i dont know anymore. people are really strange and i dont know if i can be apart of this life anymore. all of this is just so confusing. i dont know how to handle myself anymore. ive fucked up all opportunity ive had to make people not think less of me but again, people test you every once in a while to make sure if you have your defenses up or not, then once they've got a few strikes in, other people see this happening and its just downhill from there. and i guess it doesnt help that i look the way that i do either. i guess thats another issue i have regarding my self esteem. i feel that i dont have the right to insult others because of the way i look, or dress, or act. if you dont have that cocky or confident attitude, then you cant do anything. people see what they want to see, and all they want to see is your weak side. this gives them a means of leverage for bringin themselves up in the social class. whatever, im just sick of it, i just hope it all ends soon so i dont have to stress about all means of fitting in and just succumbing to the behavior needed to keep socially active. and i dont really care if none of this made sense also cause again, im just writing this all down as it comes into my head and hopefully noone gets it also. im out.